The Decision.

Day 33...

It's hard for me to write this--after all that I've written about. But, Day 33 on GAPS Intro is the end of the GAPS journey for me. For now.

GAPS Intro went great for Andy and Vienna. They benefitted from it greatly, had great responses and completed all six stages of the Intro diet and moved into Full GAPS. I wish I could say the same for myself. It's been a long, confusing, uplifting, discouraging, and trying ride for me. I have felt amazing. And I have also felt terrible. All in all, I was feeling really good being on Intro...like I mentioned in my previous post, I had so much lightness, mind clarity, and I felt really good. But something was still wrong...and I still don't know what it is. I had read several stories of others that have had similar situations on GAPS and have just come to realize that every person is so different and this is such a case-by-case thing. Like I said, it worked great for the rest of my family. But for me, it took a turn to who-knows-where. If I have learned one thing...it is that there is so much to nutrition I can't even wrap my brain around it. You try, you learn, and you keep growing and exploring.

I don't want to discourage GAPS at all...I think it's a great diet. And I think anyone who has eaten a standard americanized diet most of their life can benefit from doing the GAPS Intro, even if it's just quickly for the detox effects. I just wish I could've found the healing that I was looking for...

I mentioned in my previous posts that I was having a hard time progressing from stage to stage. Everything started off fine, but I started getting terrible gas suddenly and didn't know what was causing it. My whole stomach would bloat, churn, ache and was physically noisy. So I went back to the beginning, started at stage 1 and hit the soup regime for a couple days and tried to introduce things again to see what was causing the problem and to give my gut more time to heal. I ate a lot to make sure I was keeping up my calories, and I even added coconut water to my daily intake to replenish electrolytes. I was trying to go through it quickly so that I could have an easier time keeping my calories up...except this time I seemed to react to most everything I tried to add, it was very confusing. SO--I went back to the beginning, AGAIN. Each time I did my symptoms worsened, to the point that this last Sunday I started on stage 1 again and reacted to EVERYTHING I tried to add, except egg yolk. Where before I tolerated Ghee, avocado, scrambled eggs...etc. just fine...suddenly it was all making my stomach hurt. Gas--to the point that my stomach was rock hard, uncomfortable, and sore to touch. And my mood was so up and down from it all...I noticed when I hurt I had a real hard time being energetic and focusing and found myself totally lethargic and lifeless. But then a few hours later I could feel totally amazing again. I wrestled with how long to push through it...and kept pushing and pushing believing it was just a matter of time before I found an answer, but I just wasn't finding one. It made no sense why I seemed to be unable to tolerate things that I could the week before. Then, I started realizing my milk supply was dwindling. The same thing happened with Vienna around this age and I had a hard time finishing her first year out feeding her...but we did it. And I suspect that Finley hasn't been getting enough from me for about 2 months as I look back at his behavior and all that has happened. So on top of trying to figure out what to do about myself, I've been trying to figure out what to do with him and trying to increase my milk supply. I simply just can't do it all...

I can't feed my baby, increase my milk supply, and try to figure out what's going on with me...all at the same time. I needed to prioritize and I wasn't sure which was priority. Was it too late to increase my milk? If I tried, would I succeed? What if I quit GAPS and still couldn't up my milk? With all the issues I've had feeding Finley was it time to switch to an alternative formula? Do I keep trying to stick to GAPS? I wasn't sure. I had put so much effort into this that I just felt so confused, I felt like quitting was giving up...and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.

Well. I did do it. For 33 days. And it wasn't a failure. It just took a turn that I didn't expect and I had to adjust and make decisions based off of what had occurred.

I started reading others stories about their similar experiences on GAPS and discovered that some people just don't do well on low-carb diets. Everybody's body is different and functions differently, and I think mine was freaking out about the low-carb thing. I started charting my body temperature and discovered that it had lowered almost a full degree below normal. That isn't good! My whole metabolic rate was mixed up. When I discovered this fact, the answer felt easy to me...I needed stop this path, whether it gets put on hold or gets abandoned. I felt like as long as my body is still producing milk I am going to try my dang hardest to increase it so that I can feed my baby. And even if I can't, it still wasn't the path I needed to be on right now with the way my body was reacting. As soon as I made the decision, 100%, I felt so peaceful about it. But it was really stinkin hard to get to the point. I have invested so much into this, and I just really didn't know what the right thing was to do.

Yesterday I made the decision to step away from this. I don't know what the future will hold for me. I do know I still have issues that need healing...and I want to pursue healing them at some point. I also know that by stopping I am going to experience a whole new array of stomach discomfort as I eat things that I haven't eaten in the last month. If I was having issues trying to add them gradually on Intro, I was definitely going to have issues jumping right into a my "normal" diet. But...at this point, functioning with a seriously bloated, very uncomfortable and entirely gassy belly is going to have to be my life for now while I try to produce more milk and get my body a little more back to normal. The first thing I did yesterday after I decided to be done was eat a banana....I felt so much different within a half hour. I ate a few other things and could really feel myself regaining more strength--though, instantly my stomach started hurting. I think I'm going to pretty much go back to how I was eating, but I am going to make it a point to still have soup once a day and make bone broth part of my meals, which is all pretty much the Full GAPS diet. I'd still like to keep my family on that same course. My stomach is freaking out since yesterday...it literally is so swollen that it hurts to touch it...and I have gas like nobody's business (TMI, I know...but I figured if you've read this far you probably care enough to know!) I hope these symptoms don't last long because it's not fun...but my main goal right now is increasing my milk supply. I'm on Fenugreek, drinking lots of Mother's Milk tea, nursing frequently, pumping, and adding even more spoonfuls of fat to every meal (instructions from my midwife!) I hope it works.

It's hard for me to admit that I didn't complete GAPS Intro...and I struggled with feeling like a failure...but, I realized that I'm not. I'm trying to make the best decisions I can for me and my family, and we've had to roll with the way things have played out. I don't want to discourage GAPS at all if anyone is considering doing it...it has been so beneficial, for Andy and Vienna especially, and even for me despite the turn it has taken. I have learned a lot of things through this, and have created a lot of good healthy habits. And I am thankful that we've all taken a step towards a healthier lifestyle.

So here's to a new venture, I'm not sure where it'll take me. :)